merle is dating davenport, john hunger, and pan and all his friends are so done with this dumbass dwarf bc u thought taako and kravitz were sappy? lup and barry? carey and killian? magnus and julia? sloane and hurley? well tough luck bc merle’s dating 3 fucking men who like. never leave him alone now.
Matthew Mercer trying to assasinate Vin Diesel with a barbecue fork during a street car race has the same energy as Clint McElroy trying to convince Tom Bodett to stand in front of a moving train
I have this really stupid and terrible Stolen Century headcanon that during one cycle Barry decides to grow a full beard and almost every other member of the IPRE fucking hates it. (It doesn’t look BAD, exactly, it’s just you get used to someone’s face looking a certain way once youve known them for almost a hundred years and its WEIRD)
The crew begs him to shave it off for months. He refuses because Lup thinks it’s cute.
Davenport: Barry, that beard is against IPRE regulation.
Barry: Since when? Merle and Magnus also have beards?
Davenport: Since… … Uh… … … Please?
He looks over Lucretia’s shoulder and she’s drawn a little cartoony illustration of him in one of her journals and written “INCORRECT” underneath it in big block letters.
Magnus: Barry I love you and you’re my family and you’re perfect but I can’t stand your face right now and I refuse to look at it
Taako leaves a straight razor on his bed and he’s not sure if it’s a gift or a threat.
Merle: Who the fuck are you?
(No one can tell if Merle is joking.)
Lup: ♥‿♥
Sorry to hijack this and ruin it with terrible formatting but these were so good and I was inspired and had to doodle all of them:
OH MY GOD!!
♥ ♥
♥
I LOVE THIS SO SO MUCH AAAHAHA
This, but That Mullet?
THIS BUT MULLET
[Start ID: The Adventure Zone fanart comic that shows Barry with glasses and a beard. And each of the ipre team confronting him about it. Davenport, a short gnome man with a mustache and well-kept Hair Says: “ Barry, that beard is against ipre regulation.” Barry says: “ since when? Merle Magnus have beards.” Davenport says: “…. Please”
Lucretia is sitting on a couch, she has her feet tucked up under her and a short haircut and writing in a journal, barry looks over her shoulder and in the journal she’s drawing a picture of him with a beard and arrows pointing to him saying in all caps: “Incorrect”
Magnus is wearing sunglasses and a tank top and approaches Barry and says with his hands out: “ Barry I love you, you’re my family, and you’re perfect but I can’t stand your face right now, and I refuse to look at it.”
Merle has a long beard and glasses and its standing in front of plants Barry walks up behind him and says: “ morning Merle!” Merle says: “… Who are you?”
Lup has short hair and is wearing a tank top she stands behind Barry and Barry says: “ I don’t know, I’m thinking about shaving-” Lup cut him off and kiss him on the mouth and then says intensely: “ no.”
It’s a tradition in the Bureau of Balance to haze new members by getting them to challenge Davenport to strategy games and then watching him annihilate them. Davenport seems to like it, and it’s hilarious to watch this goofy little gnome utterly destroy any sense of ego these newbies have. Sometimes there are accusations of cheating or rigging the game going around, but no, he really is that good.
Obviously, someone tries to pull this on the new reclaimers. Taako folds about two rounds in and just sits there buffing his nails, and Magnus loses pretty handily, but Merle and Davenport are… weirdly well matched? Like, it’s not that Merle is better at the game than anyone else, but he doesn’t fall for any of Davenport’s usual tricks or bluffs. It’s like someone handed him a cheat sheet of all Davenport’s tells, except that Davenport is reading him right back, so within ten minutes they’re both making these bizarre moves that no one could have predicted to counter these equally strange strategies the other one is throwing out, and Magnus keeps chiming in “helpfully”, and it’s really not helpful but it does seem slightly more in tune with how Merle and Dav are playing than anything anyone else who’s watching picks up on.
It ends up lasting five hours, with Davenport victorious. “You win again, C-” Merle says, before his train of thought gets unexpectedly derailed and he forgets what he’s gonna say.
“Davenport,” says Davenport smugly. They shake hands and meet up again a week later. Everyone in the Bureau is shooketh. The Director chugs another fishbowl of fermented grape juice.
One of my favorite categories of taz headcanon is “random stuff lucretia forgot to erase”
The classic “elves in Faerun don’t echolocate”
The one where Magnus jumps up behind Davenport as part of rogue training and Davenport yells “Magnus, stop doing that!!!” 100% reflexively
A fic I read one time where Taako and Magnus got into some lengthy debate about Fantasy Iron Chef or Fantasy Survivor or something while a local with no concept of television listened in like “How?? Were you watching these people??? Guys??”
Magnus stripping naked in front of Lucretia doesn’t twig as weird to anyone in the room
Davenport can’t hold a conversation, but he can and will destroy you at any strategy game you put in front of him
Addendum: sometimes he and Merle play some sort of elaborately house ruled poker with a tarot deck and no one else can figure out what’s going on but they don’t seem to be improvising and they never actually discussed the house rules before implementing them?
Magnus punches a plate of cookies out of Avi’s hands because those have hazelnuts in them and don’t you know the Director is allergic?? (He didn’t know. Nobody knew. Merle and Taako knew)
Merle starts up some drinking song that nobody on this entire moon has ever heard before but Magnus jumps right in. Taako rolls his eyes but joins in on the chorus. The Director can correctly identify it within two lines.
Lydia and Edward actually have no freaking clue what Dupree is (malformed dragon?) but Merle and Magnus are just “ah yes. A t-rex”
Barry Bluejeans is a fighter but that one mission involving a necromancer he recognized the ritual immediately and made fun of the guy for using an inefficient circle.
Leon learns to regret ever letting him into his office Taako regrets nothing ever (based on that post which is probably buried in my likes and will never be found.)
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